You came home from the hospital but your hair had grown back and it was the shiniest silver ash I had seen. Your hair was glowing and your green eyes were glistening as they danced in your serene face.
You looked well Mum and as much as I don’t want to say it but you looked ‘normal’ - before cancer crept into your life.
I wrapped you in a doona that was covered in flowers. Bright flowers, streaks of gold, red, purple - pure botanical magic. This was probably my subconscious way of reminding myself I made sure you had flowers until the very end, until you were cremated.
I repeatedly asked if you were ok. I think I was in shock you had somehow made your way back home. And all you did was slowly blink your eyes, half smile and say to me “everything is going to be ok, I’m fine.” The light around you was a warm glow, a sunkissed light radiating gentle heat you would find at the peak of Spring.
This dream has been on my mind all week. Part of me was so happy to feel like you were home. Part of me still shocked that you’re not here but mostly I feel sadness in the quiet of loneliness. I don’t let myself say it out loud Mum but I struggle without you. You would’ve helped me navigate this pain I feel that bubbles under the surface. When I feel like it gets too close to boiling over I find a way to push it back down. It’s normally a mental pep talk that goes along the lines of ‘be strong like your Mum’. I tell myself I’m not grieving Mum because I still find a way to get out of bed each day and put one foot in front of the other but maybe I am and I just don’t want to recognise it. I thought perhaps when you passed I would be so utterly devastated I would be bed ridden but it seems life had other plans for me Mum. I see reminders of you every day. Lately it’s been in the morning on the way to market and the radio will play your songs. Friday was Blurred Lines and I chuckled at the memory of your proclaiming your love for Robin Thicke at the top of your lungs. This morning was Imagine Dragons and I saw you fist pumping to the drum beats in the chorus.